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Monday, May 21, 2007

The Rantings Of An Alcoholic's Daughter

* Warning, this is a very depressing post. Only read it if you can handle someone feeling WAY too sorry for herself.*

Today is one of those days where a sad oppression hangs over me. I just can't seem to shake off the weekend and start my Monday fresh.

My father has been an alcoholic pretty much all of my life, but his decline has been more evident these last few years. As he crosses unthinkable thresholds, I cry out to the Lord, but I know that he doesn't want to be helped. What will the Lord do in that situation?

I remember when he started drinking before noon... now it's before breakfast. I remember when it was rare he would be drunk in front of my children, now they don't know him sober.

This weekend he came to my daughter's ballet recital drunk. You could smell him from three rows away. He got up at least 10 times in an hour and 1/2 performance and MISSED both my girls dances. He embarrassed me, he hurt me, and right now, I hate him as much as I love him.

I want to run and hide from this, but my mother can't. I can't abandon this part of my family, it's not fair to her. How can I leave her to watch my father drink himself to death... alone? Anyway, the goodness my family gets from knowing her makes the pain of watching him almost bearable.

I find myself wishing he would just get his slow suicide over with so she could be free of this burden... but I wonder, does he know the Lord? Sometimes it's so hard to know. I've tried to talk to him about it, but does he really hear me through the intoxication?

Years of prayer have not resulted in his deliverance, but perhaps have lessened the pain.. I can not know what God has done, but I know he is here. He cries with me at the loss of who my father was, and what he has become. Missed opportunities, soured relationships, and wasted years. God only knows what could have been.
"Oh Father, spare his soul. Keep me and my children far from this curse... may my grandchildren never know the pain of being an alcoholic's child. Amen"

9 comments:

Cindy said...

Father, I pray that you would lift that spirit of oppression today. We know that satan wants to use the pain and past and hurt and anger to drag us down. Help us recognize where that comes from. Cover my friend in your grace and peace and comfort. Surround her today with beauty and laughter and eyes to see your gifts. Remind her that she is redeemed and adored and loved by her PERFECT Father.

K--- I can't imagine what you must deal with. I'll be praying for you today. I promise! Have you read faithlifts? Might be good for you today. http://www.5minutesformom.com/faithlifts/
Cindy

javamamma said...

great post. i don't know to sympathize or empathize but know i'm praying for you and your family. stand firm, my friend!

Old Fashioned Girl said...

Just wanted to say that, as the daughter of an alcoholic, I feel for you.

God bless.

L

Rachelle said...

I'm so sorry for your pain and hurt. I don't know what to say, but I am praying for you.

Emily said...

So sorry about your heart being torn. It feels so awful to care for someone who is self destructive. My mom was an alcoholic for years and years and although she's fairly clean now, I remember seeing her like that and it was horrible. And when she backslides it's just awful.

I guess all you can say is, he's making his choices and there's nothing you can do about it. period. There's nothing you can say. Nothing you can do. Nothing. NADA.

Don't mean to sound depressing, but really, when you just let it go, it helps. And when I mean let it go? I mean, no contact, no flippant comments, nothing. Sounds mean, but it's for your own mental health. Pray from afar. :)


my humble .02.

Halfmoon Girl said...

Wow, that is so sad. I am so glad that you know the Lord and can lean on him. It is hard on little girls to grow up without having a close relationship with their fathers.

Shari said...

Oh dear one, know that God loves you so much. Life can be so hard sometimes. The bait of satan is unforgiveness. Forgive your dad, ask God to help you because you can not do it in your own strength. Forgive and then forgive and then forgive some more. It is tough. But if you will healing will come. Hang in there and keep pouring your heart out to God.

Shari

Kimmie said...

Father~
I lift up my sister to you, you heart, her mind- her hurting emotions. Lord, I ask for you to comfort her, to speak words of peace, love and joy over her life and spirit.
Father, by the power of who you are and by the blood of Jesus I ask for you to touch this situation for my sister and for her family. Give her more love for her father-help her to not accept the seeds of bitterness that would try to plant themselves in her heart. Lord, I ask you to make divine opportunities for her to speak to her father...that he would come with a heart and mind that has been touched by you, one that is prepared to hear and accept. Lord we don't know if he knows you, but Lord he desperately needs the mind of Christ- his appears to be nonfunctioning and greatly influenced by the power of evil.
Father, to us this looks impossible, but your word says that all things are possible for you. Father, help us believe your word.
I ask that you would bless my sister's mom, what a hard life she has. Bring her encouragement and strength-help her to come to you in total abandonment-meet her where she is and bless her socks off. I ask that you bring her friends that would strengthen her walk and bring her joy. May her relationship with her daughter be closer than ever before and may they see your hand upon their lives.

Father in the name of Jesus I ask that these demons of alcohol would be vanquished from this family-that you would instead fill them to full with your spirit, your life, your plans and purposes. To many years have been wasted, Lord intecede for this family and break the forces of evil that have been having their way. Lord, have your way- transform her dad into the likeness of your son. Bring him to repentance of his sins, help him to know that Jesus died for his sins and has the power he desperately needs to overcome the alcohol and the evil that is slowly destroying him. Lord, we know that you are more powerful than alcohol, we know you hear our prayers and we ask in the name of Jesus that you would begin to make the life changes that need to occur in order for her dad to come to know you and to live for you.
Strengthen my sister, bless her, hold her close, and pour your hope into her heart. I pray she would keep her eyes on you and that no evil would rise to harm her or her children. We love you God and know that you hear us, that we can put our hope and trust fully in you.
Father I am waiting to hear that changes are beginning to happen- let my sister know that she is loved by you and that you are indeed in the midst of this situation.
Glorify your name God. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
Kimmie

chickadee said...

i can't imagine not feeling sorry for yourself a little having to deal with that. and i can totally understand you wanting to hide from it. my sister has been a drug user for years and my husband's brother is an alcoholic. how their actions and choices affect your family are serious and so painful. i'm sorry for you.

this is my first time at your blog. came through a link at nsremom's blog.