The Wrong Path

This last week I have come to a disturbing realization.

I am not on God's path.

I don't know where I stepped off it.

Heck, I don't even know where it is any more.

Not only am I on the "wrong" path, but I am going down it fast.

So fast that it's only now that I'm realizing I don't know my way back.

My kids feel it.

I feel it.

My husband feels it, but I'm not sure he cares.

I care.



I'm scared...

That even if I find my way back....

I'll have to go it alone.


I'm scared...

That I am totally utterly clueless, and always will be.


I'm scared...

That I will never find my way back.... because I'm too far gone.

Detox and Nibbles

I'm on day 5 of sugar detox, and still plugging along. No, I have had not ONE bite of sugar or refined flour. YEAH!
I even went to a dinner party on Saturday with homemade truffles. I almost broke, especially because it was a "lobster and shell fish party" (I know, I should like it, but I start to stare at the stuff and begin to wonder what type of it's innards I'm eating, or if I'm eating the head or the butt and I just can't) so, I was STARVING!
Yup, it sucks, BUT I am feeling SO much better. SO SO SO SO SO much better. I did go a little psycho on unsweetened banana chips this morning, but hey, it could have been worse.

On another totally off the subject note, my son informed me yesterday after wrestling with his brother that his "nibble" hurt. I asked him what on earth a nibble was. He looked all embarrassed and said "you know mom, it's my man boobs." HA...

Habits of a Sugar Addict

Have you ever watched yourself take on a new (not so great) habit, and just thought "I'll deal with that later"?

I used to never, NEVER eat anything with sugar before lunch. It made me feel sick, and hungry for the rest of the day. OK, I admit, there WAS the occasional splurge, but I felt so horrible afterwards, it would be months before I would do it again.

A few months ago I started putting sugary creamer in coffee. No big deal because I rarely drank coffee. Ummm but suddenly my coffee was tasting pretty darn good (with all that sugary goodness in it). Within a few weeks I was drinking a cup a day... then TWO! The scary thing was... I wasn't going through a ton of coffee, but those little bottles of flavored creamer, I'd have to restock several times a week!




Now keep in mind that I spend 3 mornings a week at a cafe' (yes that is changing soon). At first I was good... a small sugar free nonfat vanilla latte, but I've progressed. I have added Mocha's, sugary lattes, you name it. Add to that fresh baked caramel laced brownies, and sugary lemon scones and my sugar intake is well, OUT OF CONTROL!




I have denied my little problem because I have not been gaining weight. How is this possible? I've been skipping meals to compensate for my sugar calories. Bad bad bad.

So, I feel like crap now. Really. I have this constant low level headache, I'm tired, my skin looks terrible. It was time to do something about it. Last week I vowed to not eat sugar before noon. No creamer, no brownies, nothin'. I made until about 9:30am. Seriously, I'm so addicted to it, I can't say no! Scary.

Today I write this blog to confess my coffee creamer problem (amongst others).

My plan of action? Blog accountability and DETOX. Ugh. That word sends shivers down my spine. Having done it before, I imagine it's similar to what a crack addict experiences. The massive headaches, extreme moodiness, but I have it worse... I also get excessive FIBER intake.

Today is day one. It is only 8:35am. I'm already feeling it. The next few days are going to be BAD.

Refining With Fire

Sometimes I feel like I am a failure.

I often second guess the decisions I have made for my family. My heart is to always follow God's will, but the choices we make are often made with a "please turn me around if I'm going the wrong direction" mentality. I mean, it's so hard to know if we are REALLY doing what he wants us to.

I've had a difficult time with my oldest child lately. OK, I'm just going to be real here, I've ALWAYS had a difficult time with my oldest daughter. She is extremely bright, very beautiful, painfully strong willed, and has a rebellious streak. Every boundary has to be tested, beat up and destroyed.

These last few weeks it seems like it's been a war zone with her. The girl gets great grades, and is well behaved at school, but at home she is a "mouthy" rule breaker.

As if that wasn't bad enough, she told us she didn't believe in "our" God. She wants nothing to do with family prayer time, and only goes to church because we force her.

My only true goal for my children is that they know Christ. I hope for success, and friends, etc. but in the end; Christ is all that matters. This new development has devastated me beyond words. Failure.

Leave it to God to bring hope out of darkness....

Yesterday my daughter came home from school in tears. Between sobs she told me how her friend L**** had been bullied at school that day.

From helping out at the school I am familiar with this boy. His family fled Mexico two years ago for America to seek help for their very sick daughter. She is terminally ill. She will be the second sister L**** has lost. L**** is a tall, very handsome boy, who is quiet and kind, and learning English quickly. While our neighboring community has a huge Hispanic community, our little town has very few.

According to my daughter, the kids in her 7th grade class decided that L**** needed to go back to Mexico. They called him names. They told him he wasn't wanted here. Then they started kicking him... repeatedly. While they left no bruises, the boy was in tears. My daughter said that teachers saw this.... but did nothing.


With a broken heart she went to comfort L****. She hugged him and encouraged him. At that point the kids decided to call her names (because she was not joining the torture against him I suppose), but she didn't seem to care. She stood up to these kids. She put them in their place and refused to play by their "rules".

She told me that when things had calmed down, L**** pulled a necklace off his chest and pointed to a small figure on the front. "Do you believe in her?" he said as he pointed to Mary. My daughter said, "well, I believe in her son." In broken English he responded "You remind me of her... she heals people, and you are healing me."

When she told me this I explained how highly Catholics revere Mary, and that this was a HUGE compliment. Her tears continued to flow as she asked to be pulled out of school. "Mom, it's so dark there. I just want to be homeschooled."

My initial thought? Oh yes, lets pull her out so she doesn't have to experience all this evil, then a second wave of thought hit me. "Um, Zoe? If you were not at school today, who would have hugged L****?" She was the lone comfort in a dark day for this boy... enough to make something horrible bearable. With more tears (both of us) she lifted her head and said "you're right, I know that God has this purpose for me at this school, sometimes it's just so hard, but I know it's what I'm supposed to do."

I am so proud of her it hurts! This evening she has a terrible attitude. She yelled at he sister, back talked and slammed her door.

Yes, she is in trouble.

But right now, I don't feel like such a failure.

Maybe God DOES have big plans for this strong willed, rebellious child after all.


See, I have refined you, though not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. Isaiah 48:10

Stay at Home Moms Should STAY HOME!

As you know, I've started working at a cafe a few hours a week while my kids are in school. At first I thought it would be "no big deal". The kids are in school, so I'm not missing anything. I still have two full days PLUS the weekend at home to catch up on chores. Oh, and the extra money would be fantastic! I figured it would be ideal.

WRONG

You can't have BOTH worlds.

I am so exhausted when I get home, making me pretty worthless at night (keep in mind even though I get off work when my kids get off school, I don't get home until after 6:30 because of soccer, dance, etc). I am unable to keep up on daily chores (like laundry, cleaning floors, etc). So, three days a week I get NOTHING done. On the two days off I have such a huge amount of housework, I can hardly catch up. Another BIG negative is: When do I help out at the school? One of the main reasons we felt at peace about putting our kids in school was our personal involvement AT the school. Now I have little to no time to volunteer. NOT good.

Now let's dispel that myth about making money. Lets do a little math.

After taxes I make $150.00 a week

Extra gas to get to work $15
Extra cost of my kids having to buy school lunch $40
Convenience foods for dinner 3X a week $45
Cost of my own lunch 3X a week $15

My total work costs: $115

So, I'm working for basically $35 a week. Pretty dumb huh.

Let's not forget the non monetary costs! Uh, like my sanity. Or maybe my lack of time to exercise? The lack of time I have to be in God's word.

Let me let you all in on a little secret. I miss cleaning my house! Yes, I said it. Oh, and I miss planning frugal menus, and baking for my family. I miss volunteering. I had it SO good as a stay at home mom, I feel almost guilty!

Now I'm left with some choices to make. I just told the cafe I was going down to 2 days a week (which was all I was originally supposed to do, but they keep scheduling me for more UGH.) I want to quit, BUT, I also want to set a good example for my children. If I left immediately I would leave the cafe in a terrible situation (and it's a small town... I'd have serious evil gossip about me). So, I guess we shall see how I get myself out of this one.

If 6 Year Olds Could Vote...

Today as I picked my kids up from school, I had my 6 year old son's teacher stop me and ask if we could talk. Knowing my son, I knew it was going to be some sort of misbehaving. Not that he is a bad kid... he's not. He's just more intelligent than most adults, opinionated, hyper, and a little ladies man (he seems to think he needs to find his wife before 2ND grade).

As she pulls me aside, she begins to tell me that she was telling the kids the names of the men running for president. Oh... now it clicks. My son is a hard core.. uhumm, let me rephrase that a HARD CORE Republican. I know this may seem odd for a 6 year old, but the boy was just born with it. So, I figure he's given his vote for McCain speech (that he shares quite freely every time he has the chance). I look at the teacher and say, "oh yeah, my son is pretty opinionated about his politics". The teacher looks at me sideways and proceeds to tell me that when she mentioned Obama's name my son loudly exclaimed "I'm not voting for him, he's a baby killer." My jaw dropped.


OK, I'm the first to admit that we are not big Obama fans here in the conservachick household, BUT we don't sit at the dinner table calling him a BABY KILLER. We have explained that Obama believes it's OK for Mommies to kill the babies in their tummies. We explained that some people don't think that babies are people until they are born, but that we think they are ALWAYS people. (Kids tend to agree with that).

His teacher then went on to say that he rallied the entire 1st grade class around him and told them to all raise their hands if they were going to vote for McCain, and to save the babies from Obama. The teacher said they ALL raised their hands.

She then said that she has had several angry parents call because their children are now Republicans.

Now, I must admit, I felt sorry for my son's teacher. She is sweet and kind, and certainly does not deserve the backlash from my son's comments. so I told her that I would take full responsibility for my son's little political rally, and help her with any damage control. However, let me state loud and clear, I am PROUD of my son! VERY PROUD.

Vegetarian Oat Patties

I'm always a sucker for Gayle's Frugal Recipe Swap. While I eat a little poultry now and then, I've spent most of my life as a vegetarian, and this recipe is one of my favorites! It is seriously delicious... even meat eaters devour it! Even though it has 5 eggs, I still consider it a frugal recipe because it feeds my family of 6 for TWO nights. I serve it with homemade gravy (or store bought mushroom gravy in a pinch) and a salad.

Vegetarian Oat Patties

2 C cottage cheese
2 C bread crumbs
2 C quick oats
2 onions, chopped fine
5 eggs
1/2 can evaporated milk
1/2 tsp sage
1/2 tsp soy sauce
salt to taste

Mix all ingredients. Roll into meatball size balls and slightly flatten. Pan fry in a small amount of oil until light brown. Serve with gravy. YES.... It is THAT easy!