Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Snoring Husband's, Taco Bell, and Fat Cupid Cracks (Why does anyone read this blog anyway?)

It is nearly midnight, and here I am, unable to sleep because SOMEONE will not stop snoring. What a way to usher in Valentine's Day, loud, rumbling snorts. Do you know what I want for Valentine's Day??? Snore strips! Yes, and I want him to wear 6 at once, just to assure me ONE good night of sleep. No flowers, no candy, just snore strips.

I've yelled, I've kicked him, I've pleaded, I even considered smothering him with a pillow, but darn it, I love the guy. So here I sit, blogging at midnight, waiting for the fatigue to be so great, that the rumbling bed and monstrous noises won't affect me.

In this tired state, I think I'll write random Valentine's facts about.. well... me.

1. I hate mushy cards. If my husband wrote me a poem, or got me a card with a bunch of sappy words, I'd barf (internally that is). I mean, I'd try to be nice, but I just can't do the mushy stuff with men. Now a friend could write me a sweet card or poem and I'd love it, but if my husband, or dad did that, I'd get uncomfortable and nauseous. Yeah, I need therapy... whatever.

2. Every year my husband and I get each other a Valentine with a butt on it (usually a half-naked fat cupid, or a card about the crack of "Don"). It's a terrible tradition we started our first year of marriage. It was a coincidence the first year. Ever since, we have searched high and low for the perfect "butt" Valentine to give each other (you'd be surprised how many are out there!). I should state that my husband and I both share the "no sappy card" rule, AND a really odd sense of humor. I also feel the need to tell you, one year I shirked the tradition and bought him a "normal" card and he was dreadfully hurt.

3. We eat Taco Bell every Valentine's day. Yes, another odd tradition that started our first year of marriage. I love the idea, really, I do, but over the years, I have grown to hate Taco Bell. I wish it had been a Gelato tradition or a Starbucks... oh well. Would it be too crude to add that Taco Bell gives "someone" (NOT ME) terrible gas? Gosh, can't a girl get a snore and fart free Valentine's day?

4. I don't like Valentine's Day gifts. I know, I'm starting to sound like a scrooge here, but who wants a romantic gift out of an obligation that is forced by retailers? Jewelry and flowers ANY other day of the year means SO much more.

5. I am obsessed with Valentine's Day decorations. See... I'm not totally anti Valentine's Day. I love pink and red hearts! I am so girly that this holiday just "fits me". I get all giggly when I see frosted pink cookies, and heart doilies. I love to smoother my house in hearts and flowers! My boys are threatening to move out.

6. Every year around Valentine's Day, my mom makes my FAVORITE food in the entire world. Pink frosted heart shaped sugar cookies. I told her this year I would only have 1800 calories worth (I'm serious here; I plotted it out and everything). Therefore, my mom graciously gave some to me, and then packaged up the rest in pretty baskets for me to give to my friends. Would you believe it only took me two whole days to eat them all? Not a single friend got a crumb. Now when I call my mom, I ask for the "Evil Cookie Baker", or the "Purveyor of Fatness".

* On a side note, I spent nearly 4 hours this week on the stupid elliptical torture device to keep from gaining those well deserved cookie pounds.

7. My five-year-old son wrote me a card with a mushy poem on it and I cried, hugged him, and got all sappy.

8. I have volunteered to help at all four of my kids Valentine's Day parties at school. I think I have lost my mind!

9. People who eat healthy on Valentine's Day suck the joy right out of it. My son's teacher wants a healthy Valentine's Day party with a veggie tray and milk. WHAT? These are second graders! That is just cruel. I was in charge of the milk... and I bought chocolate! HA HA HA! I also shoved a bunch of candy in all the kids Valentines. I get being healthy 99.9 % of the time... but today? It's like the person who gives raisins or pencils on Halloween. I mean common! Were YOU ever a kid?

10. The day after Valentine's Day I always have the worst chocolate hangover... and think the grouchy people with the raisins aren't as dumb as I thought.

What is that I hear? Nothing? Could it be that his marathon snore session is over? I best be off to bed before it kicks back up again. ~K


javamamma said...

I hope you got a little sleep and I hope you receive the best 'butt' card ever on this Valentine's 2008!

Tim said...

first time reader and commenter, courtesy of ee's blog.

Thanks for the imaginative V-Day list. I got a few laughs out of it.

His Girl said...

completely, thoroughly enjoyed this post. is it wrong that i'm glad you got "woked up"? it was clearly an inspired hour for you!

so funny!

Emily said...

well, you had a male write you a mushy note and you melted. Therapy isn't needed after all.

I think you just don't like forced sentiments. I agree.

The butt card thing is really unusual Karlie. Really, really unusual.

really, really unusual.

All I can say is that I'm glad it's you. :)

Happy Elf Mom (Christine) said...

Veggie Valentines are just... wrong.

I guess I'm not going to suggest a "make-your-own" Valentine card for your husband LOL!

Hey, we read your blog because you're funny *and* honest. You just can't beat that!!

Anonymous said...

I loved this post!! Hope you have a great Valentine's Day and hope you get a GREAT "butt" card as well.

Halfmoon Girl said...

I like your REAL Valentines perspective. Can we see pics of the butt crack cards?

ConservaChick said...

Just so y'all know, the second I went to bed, he started back up again. I am mega grouchy today (4 hours is NOT enough sleep). Yeah Em... I know... I'm weird, but THAT is why we always got along so well! Remember? ( ; ~K

Anonymous said...

Happy Valentine's Day!


Alpha Dude said...

I like your list.
My wife does not expect flowers on V-day, and I don't get her any. Besides, I bring her flowers randomly every week or so anyway (depends on how long they last).

I hope you got some rest eventually and had a great day.
Nothing sappy, since you most likely had to get up at the butt-crack of dawn.


Alpha Dude said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacey said...

Ahhh Karlie, I read this blog because you're terribly entertaining! Happy Late Valentine's Day--how's that Taco Bell working out for ya? xo

CrossView said...

Too funny! =D

I roam and post, too, when the snores prevent me from falling asleep. But I can wait till exhaustion sets in and then pass out and then I sleep HARD!

Mrs. Darling said...

Butt cracks? Thats hilarious. I think humour goes a long way in keeping a marriages alive. Its often underrated!

I have to admit that I love sappy cards; the sappier the better! And I love everything about Valentines day. I do think though that women tend to love this day more than men. My husband is good at playing along and he picks all the best cards. But you know what? He snores too. Too bad they dont come with a volume control.

Kate said...

You need to learn to sleep with earphones from an MP3 player in your ears. It's not easy at first to sleep with them but it so covers the snoring noise.

Anonymous said...

You express yourself in a way that I wish I could do to the public in general! Only a close few know my dry wit, you are an inspiration. :) Seriously... Post some of those butt valentines I'm sure you've saved all of them. You could cut them up and decoupage them onto coasters,talk about a conversation starter. :)

Mom2fur said...

Oh, no...I'm the one who snores here. I have allergies. My husband learned a long, long time ago to wear earplugs.
Breathright Strips are great things. I just keep forgetting to buy them.
But somehow, he hasn't left me after 27 years...

Mom2fur said...

PS--The kids around here are no longer allowed to bring in cupcakes. Can I tell you how happy I am that my youngest is 17 and I no longer have to deal with this shinola? Good for you, bringing in that chocolate milk!

carrie said...

you are a funny lady. that's why I read this blog.

and to be honest I had some steamed veggies with my applebee's steak on v-day, but that's only because I'm a freak and like steamed veggies. I had plenty of french fries to balance it out.

MyKidsMom said...

It's gotten to where I give my hubby a shake and wake him up when he snores- it's so disconcerting (to me, not him). He rolls over and I get about a 5 minute break before it starts again.

And my hubbys idea of a romantic card is synonymous with humorous- I would actually be very concerned if they ever turned sappy!

Anonymous said...

Wait just a husband is Don & he snores, we always go the funny card route, give butt cards whenever possible, don't go for "forced" gifts. And we're coming up on our 35th anniversary, so it all WORKS!

Anonymous said...

A couple things to try (if you haven't already). I used to be the offending party in the snore wars. Two things that helped us out -
1. I lost a few pounds. Extra weight seems to contribute to snoring.
2. We use a humidifier in the winter. We noticed that my snoring was worse in the winter - what else happens in the winter (at least around here)? Dry air.
Definitely try some soft foam earplugs - they're actually very comfortable and work well. Wish I'd used them more back in my louder rock and roll days - I'd be able to hear better now. YMMV, good luck.

Jenny86753oh9 said...

Writing at midnight is good for you! I was howling...

EE said...

I don't like mushy cards from my husband, either. Frankly, I don't like them from anyone!
Oh, our school is trying to establish the healthy party, too.
I sent those giant Pixie Stix from Sam's...hehe!

Christin said...

(how have I not commented on this yet?!!)

You ALWAYS have a way of making me laugh. and think. simultaneously. This time, I had to think "Hmm...what does her collage of butt cards look like?" ;)

So do we get to hear about Vtines day? Or are you still recouping from Taco Hell *wink* and an overdose of sugar cookies?

Family O'Foxes said...

hee hee! Happy Belated Valentine's day


Anonymous said...

I agree with your feeling of forced emotions-however my husband uses that to NOT have to get me flowers or chocolate...EVER!
CHOCOLATE milk...I loved that part!