Ego Girl Wishes you all a Happy New year... and other gossip!

I'm a few days late on my New Years post, but 2009 should be a year of may adventures for us!

The biggest change??? College. I'm going back. One of the best things about getting pregnant at 18, was that I didn't have a chance to rack up THOUSANDS of $$$ of college debt. Not having mega college loans to repay allowed me to stay home with my babies, home school (yes, I WAS qualified to teach them without a degree), and do all those other magnificent house-wifey things.

Now I look at my babies, all nearing birthdays that will make them 13, 11, 9, and 7. time is FLYING by. I've had to take a good look at what I want to do when they are gone, how will we help with THEIR college, etc. I looked at the fact they are still far to young for me to go into the work force and leave them to fend for themselves, but the time is coming... sigh.

I have been subbing occasionally at the kids school, and have fallen in love with teaching, especially the struggling kids. I've spent quite a bit of time helping the "special ed" kids. Who quite frankly are just kids with tough back grounds or different learning styles, who just need a bit of encouragement, and one on one time.

So, I looked at the possibility of a job in special education. Great benefits, summers and school holidays off. Hmm, sounded good. So I went to the college to find out about a loan. Ugh, the yucky debt part. Would you believe there is a shortage of special ed teachers, and the government will forgive 70% of your loan if you teach special ed for 5 years! Now THAT is an answer to prayer.

I start in March. All my classes fall within my kid's school hours, and I only have classes on Tuesday and Thursday, leaving three days to maintain my stay at home mommy status. In four years, I'll be 35. My youngest will be 11, and my oldest will be getting ready for college herself... GASP. Time is flying. FLYING I tell ya! Anyway, I may take a full time job as a teacher, but I'll still be home after school with my (it hurts to say it) teenagers, home for the summers, etc.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the best part... I have to take P.E. which means I am required to go to the gym 3xs a week to pass. Talk about motivation eh? Oh, and the membership is covered by financial aid. WOO HOO!

OK, so enough about the school thing (can you tell I'm insanely excited?).

My New Year's was awesome. My brother took us snowboarding. My hubby is a total natural... so are my boys. I however am not super skilled in that area. Still, It was crazy fun, and I'd do it again in a heart beat.

We ushered in the New year with several friends and a $90 bottle of French wine (that we DIDN'T buy). Spent the rest of the evening having WII battles (I am totally addicted to WII Fit).

On another note, we decided to become members of our little church. That is a huge step for us. Actually, I wanted to run a women's bible study, and was told that they would like us to be members first, so here we go. It seems so official! Really, if you knew how BIG this was for me and my husband (and our slight church phobia) you'd say "Good job on the commitment!"

Now for the bad and good news of 2009.

The bad news? Right after we decide we are finally ready for a commitment, our pastor says he's leaving. Going to Uganda to become a missionary. WHAT? I am totally happy for him, I really am. I can see God's hands all over this, but I did tell him that he'd better NOT be replaced by a fire and brimstone kinda guy... or a mega church man. "Cause I just committed to this church"! Grrr.

The good news?

My daughter came home angry the other day. When I asked her why, she replied, "because all the high school boys keep telling me how hot you are mom." Now I know... this is slightly disturbing on one level, but do you know how stinkin' good it feels? Hello ego! Seriously, I often feel like a fat old frumpy mom. This kinda thing will fuel my confidence for a year!!!! Gayle... I know you understand.

Did I confess that I am far too vain????

I have no grand resolutions to confess for 2009. No other big changes to report. So I'll end this post with...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!

The Reason We Orbit Around the Son

Sometimes I start feeling down. The snow won't melt and I'm stuck in my house. The grocery bills keep getting higher. The holiday "goodies" have added a few pounds to the mid-section. These all sound like little things, but I can make them HUGE. Seriously, I can lose sleep over a few pounds (although I'm a bit mental that way).

I've been feeling pretty low, in the world that orbits around me. Being self centered has a tendency to do that. I've been ignoring God. I really don't know why. I just have been avoiding him.

Today at church I had a "moment". I was worshiping, and having a bad attitude about it, when a song caught me off guard. "We all fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus." I'm not sure what happened. All I know is that the Holy Spirit hit me hard. I could feel it so physically, I was worried I'd have a Toronto moment, right there in my little conservative church!

My heart God's again... in just that moment. WOW!

The sermon was by some homegrown missionaries, serving in Uganda. I heard about little girls sold into prostitution at 8... for a bag of sugar. They told us how most men beat their wives, because that is how things are done, and how the "wives" can't ever escape because they have NO way to care for themselves and their children. We were told that they drink the same water that they defecate in, and dump their dead, and pour gasoline in, and then wonder why their babies die of ecoli. We heard how they lock away their handicap children. We learned that they don't have families... just many partners, and many children. They don't parent... they don't know how. Their lives are so incredibly void of God, that they have no morals, only fear and misery. Yet they are people just like us, with feelings, and sadness, and SO in need of a little hope... of a savior.... but they are afraid to know him. How very sad.

My world seems a little brighter right now. I am thankful for education, and toilets, and handicap rights. I'm thankful for clean water acts, and medicine, and families! I am thankful that my girls live in a country where they CAN provide for themselves if need be... where they can learn, and love, and be loved by their husbands.

We are so blessed that God is here. Here in America. This country WAS founded on Godly principles, and we are still reaping the results.

Today I saw what the Godless looked like, and it broke my heart.

A man centered world leads to despair.

God NEEDS to be the center.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

In the busy last minute Christmas preparations, I found a moment in between batches of cookies and bread to hop on the computer and wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! I love you all! ~Karlie

Church in Mayberry

There is a thick layer of snow covering my driveway. My heater is chugging along, trying to keep my century old farm house above 60. The kids are off at school thanks to my husbands over priced 4 wheel drive truck (which I am currently grateful for). All the business that has kept me away from housework, projects, and blogging has suddenly ceased. I wouldn't dare take my little white chick car on the roads. I tried last year and ended up walking... 5 kids in tow... and a month of "I told you so's".

Another year of being trapped out in the middle of nowhere. However this year, I don't mind so much. I seem to have lost the ability to "slow down". So I am grateful for being stuck here "nowhere".

We have ended up at a little church by our kids school. The town feels like Mayberry. Quaint and pretty. Old Victorians and a general store. I could swear there is a time warp that has kept that place in the 50's. If you have read any of the Harmony books, you know my town.

It's hard to take a city girl and place her in a small town... it's even harder to place her in a small church where the music hasn't changed in 60 years, nor has the body.

It's a solid church. I think there are maybe 6 or 7 other families, a nice handful of kids, and dozens of elderly. The old ladies bake cookies every Sunday. Gossip is huge, but what else do you do in Mayberry? Anyway, they are SO happy we are there. A new family... UNDER 50. That's a big deal and BIG gossip. They think we are a model family. My husband has a good reputation in town. We dress well, behave well. Ugh, if only they could see my heart. I'm trying to step off that pedestal before I fall.

The pastor is great. His sermons range from brilliance to... weird. Last week he talked about the birth of Jesus, however, he was pretending to be Mary. In a thick accent he started talking about his privates hurting. Then as the labor progressed, he started moaning. I turned to my husband and said "if he starts pushing, I'm leaving". Luckily, he didn't go there.

Oh I hope it works. This church I mean. I don't think we could handle another huge upset. Not for along time. Seriously, if we find out they are sacrificing cats in the basement or something, were done. DONE! We are so fed up with church CRAP right now, I just pray that God has us somewhere safe. I truly feel our walk with the church is on it's final leg. I don't want to be another church casualty, where I say "Christian's killed my faith in church... but not God." Not that my faith should be in the church anyway.....

Moving on.

Angry

I'm angry.

I have a CLOSE friend who's husband's lung collapsed. He has been in the emergency room for nearly a week. I just found out today.

My pastor's wife (another close friend) has had her kids, and been in prayer over the situation.

I'm not mad because no one told me about this... I am not mad because this was kept a "secret" from the congregation. I am mad at WHY this was kept a secret.

The pastor suggested that only a "select" few should know about this, because if EVERYONE knew, they might be inclined to pray. What's the problem with prayer? According to my pastor, those who do not know how to pray in "faith" could cause this man to die. If someone perchance prayed for God's will instead of demanding healing, it could ruin this man's chances of recovery.

I couldn't help but argue with this reasoning as my pastor's wife told me this over the phone. "Isn't God's grace big enough to cover those of us that don't pray the exact right words? Isn't our God sovereign enough to heal with the humble prayers of a New Christian? Isn't it damaging to the body to claim that their prayers might be hurtful?"

I don't know about you, but I believe God welcomes ALL communication. God can use ALL prayers and work them together for GOOD!

I guess what I'm really angry about, is my knack for always ending up in really screwed up churches, with wacked theology.

The Birds and The "Tadpoles"

The dinner tables brings out all sorts of interesting conversations in our family. Tonight my 8 1/2 year old son told us (out of the blue) that in 10 years his friend R***** wanted to have sex with a woman. All of our mouths hit the floor. We excused my 6 year old (with the lure of video games) and asked our son if he knew what sex was. He said "nope, but I sure am curious".

Rather than have him get his information inaccurately at school, my husband called my son into the bedroom and said "it's time for us to have a little talk". So off they went... into the land of no return.

As I was clearing the table I could hear giggles and "OH GROSS" coming from the bedroom. After what seemed like a century my son emerged with a knowing look on his face. The first thing he did was holler at his brother "hey, G*** guess WHAT..." At that moment I realized that my husband had left out one of the MOST important parts of "The Talk" DON'T TELL OTHERS. I quickly pulled him aside and told him that he was to keep his new knowledge to himself. "OK mom, but I can't believe you and dad did that FOUR TIMES (we have 4 kids)!" Clearly he wasn't listening.

Moments later his older sisters walked in the room. My son turned to them with that same "knowing look" and before I could stop him yelled out "Guess what! In a few years I'll be able to shoot tadpoles out my wiener."

My husband is now banned from giving the sex talks.

Death Of The "Church Lady"... The REAL Get Revival!

I know the idea of fellowship and bible study should sound appealing, but last night I would have sold my favorite (make me look skinny) jeans to not have to go. I dreaded the prospect of sitting in a room listening to one particular person rant on and on, while the rest of us stare aimlessly into nothing, offering up silent prayers of escape.

Is it a sin to pray that someone stops talking?

I so badly did NOT want to go, that I actually called and cancelled (due to a sick child... that was actually sick... a little).

Yet as the hour of the study approached, a deep sense of guilt came over me. This WAS a commitment, and darn it, I'd better tough it out.

I reluctantly hauled my lazy butt into my chick car, and began the 20 minute drive into town. I was in a foul mood so I thought some music might help. I listened to a Tim McGraw song about a guy killing his step father. Real God honoring stuff. Good song... bad choice when I was already having serious attitude.

I pulled up into the driveway of our associate pastor's house 10 minutes late and noticed that mine was the only car. "Hmm, maybe it's cancelled?" I thought eagerly to myself. I knocked on the front door then stepped inside to a room revealing the associate pastor and his wife, and one other woman who is new to our church. Usually the class is pulling in a dozen people or so, so I was surprised to see such a small turn out. Ah, but the talker wasn't there, so my mood brightened just enough for me to stay.

The 1st half of the study was ... slow. I started counting the chapters we had left, playing with my hair, daydreaming about the cookies I had back at the house.

Then it happened!

GOD BROKE THROUGH!

He took a stale bible study and brought life.

A simple question was asked and the "new girl" opened up and answered with such transparency, it opened doors to an evening of ministry and healing.

Now I'm a very open person, to have me speak my mind, feelings, or struggles is nothin' new. However this woman had a lot, and I mean A LOT bottled up, and wow, did God use her courage in a BIG WAY! Before you knew it the associate pastor and his wife were sharing their struggles and hurts. They were being vulnerable in a way that I seldom see pastors (or their wives) be. Ugh. If only pastors could see how much good it would do the congregation to let us see their "dark side". It's nice knowing that we are not the only ones who struggle.

A couple of months ago I was asked to give my testimony to the women of our church. I planned a big speech about how "bad" I used to be and how God has changed me. However, when I prayed over it, God told me that he wanted to to share how "bad" I still am. Not in a condemning sort of way, but in a "I'm still struggling, I still make mistakes, and God still loves me" kind of way. I also got to take a few jabs at the legalistic gals in their floral jumpers and worn out Old Testaments, and share about the "grey" areas of my life that were NOT sin, like Santa, Merlot, and Crunk. So fun.

After my testimony was shared, I had dozens of women coming up to me, calling me, etc sharing their own struggles, their own "secret" lives. Most of their stories were the same. A glass of wine on Friday, a "secret" viewing of Desperate Housewives, whatever. Almost all of them had things in their past that any "good Christian" would turn their noses up at. I thought if these women would just open up to each other, they'd see they were all hiding the same things.

Then there were confessions of the REAL sins. Anger, lust, revenge, gluttony, you name it. There again, so many shared so much in common, but never opened up enough to let anyone know it. One woman said because of her struggles she felt like an island. How sad... if only she knew.

Not until we stop trying so hard to hide who we are, can we really start to tackle our sin. Being fake is too exhausting. Deception is the breeding ground for sin. Hiding your personality is deception. End of story.

I could fill a months worth of posts with my "grey" areas, current sins and struggles, and past, but I'll spare y'all.

Ah, but I got to confess a little!

I.... like tattoos, I lack contentment, I'm a little vain (ouch, that one hurts), struggle with self control, and used to be able to shoot large amounts of tequila without flinching.

So I want to hear some truths! Common, it feels great! Tell me something you'd normally hide at church. Free your soul!